Songs are pain-stakingly alphabetized by title.
ALWAYS BE THE FIRST TO LEAVE
It’s so sad to end a love affair,
Though it’s best, I should guess, to be the one who questions.
He’ll get mad, but act like you don’t care,
While the shame and the blame’s getting aimed in both directions.
Maybe it’s starts on a Sunday.
It’s rolling by Monday.
By Tuesday, you’re planning to dash and grab some cash and crash on someone’s couch.
Then Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, you’re away,
Where you stay till Sunday,
When you come back to end that love affair,
Though it stinks when you think you’re on the brink of lonely.
Still it’s best for both to be aware that it’s done,
And the one whose idea it was gets applause,
Just because love’s never fair.
BE MINE (AN ORGASM WITH A STRANGER)
You don’t know me; I don’t know you.
But happy we, it’s just us two
Here in my bedroom alone.
And I’m not one for metaphor,
But I’ll go down this road once more,
Steering us toward the unknown.
I can’t say I respect you,
But I’ll give it a try.
Tonight, it’s you I elect to be mine.
You may not understand the way
I say I want to play today,
But I think we’ll both be okay if you shut up
And do that dirty, nasty stuff
I tell you I can’t get enough of
You’re no Einstein,
But you look divine,
Now won’t you be mine?
Touch here, moan there,
Poke here, Don’t fear.
You don’t have much cognitive ability,
But I’m smart enough to teach you how to please me.
Do this, right here, Nope, you missed, Yes, right there,
Take your hand and place it on my
Here, no, there, oh, that’s just right,
I love it when you, no, not that,
Right there, just move it, yes, you’ve got it,
Ah Ah Ah Ah
Oh Oh Oh Oh
Yes Yes Yes Yes
No No No No
Ah Ah Ah Ah
Oh Oh Oh Oh
Ah Ah Ah Ah
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh…
Now look at that. See, we’re all done.
Now wasn’t that a ton of fun?
No, I’m not crying. I’m fine.
So run along; it’s getting late.
There’s nothing wrong; I’m quite abated.
For just twenty minutes, you were mine.
BEWARE OF DOG
I saw you walking your boyfriend.
You seemed to have a ball.
No, I’m not stalking your boyfriend.
He’s not my type at all.
I’d heard you had a new boyfriend,
So I was curious
If you and this brand new boyfriend
Resembled the two of us.
And I’m glad I followed you,
Because I made a great discovery.
Yes, I’m glad I followed through,
Because I’m solving the mystery,
And I’m so glad to see he’s so much uglier than me.
Can he fetch?
Does he chew on your old shoe?
I’m a bitch,
But he seems to be one, too.
Does he match me on every single trait in the book but looks?
Bow wow.
Did he capture
Your heart with ferocious bite?
Does the pitch
Of his bark keep you up all night?
Does he match me on every trait but his thoroughly furrily, ugily looks?
Yes, I’m glad I followed you,
Because it gives me validation.
Yes, I’m glad I followed through.
I might be loveless and lonely,
So loveless and lonely,
But you can’t disagree: He’s so much uglier than me.
Can he fetch?
Does he chew on your old shoe?
I’m a bitch,
But he seems to be one, too.
Does he match me on every single trait in the book but looks?
Bow wow.
Did he capture
Your heart with ferocious bite?
Does the pitch
Of his bark keep you up all night?
Does he match me on every trait but his thoroughly furrily, ugily looks?
HEY, MARY!
Hey, Mary, rest your nerves. It’s been quite a day.
You don’t have to worry; your baby’s OK.
Open up your eyes, glance over,
And you’ll see that halo ringing his head.
That’s how you’ll know that God up above is his dad.
Happy Christmas Eve! You’ve started a trend.
Bet you can’t wait for all this excitement to end.
You were just a lowly nothing.
Now there’s wise men coming, led by a star.
Oh, what a lucky little virgin you are!
And if in thirty years they curse his holy name,
And if in thirty years they can’t remember why he came,
You’ll just look back on this cold night here in the barn
And you’ll warm. You’ll be warm.
But all those darker times are so far away.
You’ve so many years to become a cliché.
Someday soon you’ll grace so many
Canvases, you’ll think that you were the one
Who people love and worship, instead of your son.
And if in thirty years, you hide your head in shame.
And if in thirty years, you’re drowning in your fame.
You’ll just look back on this cold night here in the barn
And you’ll be warm. You’ll be warm.
Hey, Mary, I can see you’re thinking it through.
You can take it easy. There’s nothing to do.
A mother’s work may never end,
But if you take a break, I’m pretty sure that you’ll find
That you’ve done pretty well for the sake of mankind.
I NEVER KNEW (A Great Big Thank You To All Who Voted YES On Proposition 8!)
Bless us on this day of optimistic antimatrimony.
Guess we’ll kiss away all fears of kids, divorce, and alimony.
Thank you for denying us the nightmare we had dreamt we wanted.
Thanks for satisfying us with orders to move on undaunted.
I never knew how much I’d rather have anonymous sex than marry anyway!
So glad you’ve helped me to discover the anonymous sex I could have today!
I thought that I wanted all those silly rights,
But now I realize I’m not a citizen with plights!
I never knew, but thanks to you, I’m doing all I can do
To fill my role. God bless my soul, I’m finally whole, so
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
I never knew how much I’d rather rape a ten-year-old boy than marry anyway!
So glad you’ve helped me to discover all the ten-year-old boys I could rape today!
I thought that I coveted those silly rights,
But now I realize I’m not a taxpayer with plights!
I never knew, but thanks to you, I’m doing all I can do
To fill my role. God bless my soul, I’m finally whole, so
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
We see how you hate (Don’t deny it now!)
Your God-chosen fate (We won’t try it now!)
Now we’ve got the perfect excuses,
Enjoying abuses of church and state!
I never knew how much I’d rather die of HIV/AIDS than marry anyway!
So glad you’ve helped me to discover this amazing disease to kill me today!
I thought that I needed all those silly rights,
But now I realize I’m not a human being with plights!
I never knew, but thanks to you, I’m doing all I can do
To fill my role. God bless my soul, I’m finally whole, so
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
We knew you’d come through.
MAMA’S MOVIN’ TO THE BAHAMAS (From THIS TIME, IT’S PERSONAL!)
I’ve never gotten much respect.
Humans have always been suspect of me.
They tell me: “That’s New York, I guess.
Your son was a killer and serial killers are made by family.”
And I agree.
But now there’s a place where I can go
Where none of the local natives know of me.
Where I can torture whom I please,
Inciting a slaughter in crystalline water
That smells uncannily like Brody.
I’ve waited far too long to right this oceanic wrong,
But now I’m taking back the reigns
And Ellen’s gonna feel the pain I felt
When my babies died!
Mama’s movin’ to the Bahamas!
Hey, look! Mama’s movin’ to the Bahamas!
Yes, sir! Mama’s movin’ to the Bahamas!
Shoot, yeah! Mama’s movin’ to the Bahamas today!
Mama’s movin’ to the Bahamas! (I’ll just work on my tan while lounging in the sand!)
Hey, look! Mama’s movin’ to the Bahamas! (I’ll jump in that water again and maybe find a man!)
Yes, sir! Mama’s movin’ to the Bahamas! (I’ll squeeze on a thong and scat a new song!)
Shoot, yeah! Mama’s movin’ to the Bahamas today!
MY HEART BEATS (from THIS TIME, IT’S PERSONAL!)
One last look at the sandy shore.
Wanting more has always been my curse.
As I search for the fishy hearse that holds my son,
I’ve just begun to see
That when all is said and done I find that I’ve been blind to what truly binds us:
Much like me, you’re a lonely female drowning in a world of men!
See my jaws as I circle you.
Very few have ever come this close.
Heaven knows I don’t mean to boast,
But it’s my bite that’s fueled your fright for years.
Hope you’re willing to forget those tears and all your fears of blood, boats, and piers,
For now I see you’re a lonely female drowning in a world of men!
I’ve got arms!
And I’ve got fins!
I go for walks!
And I go for swims!
I’ve sworn off meat!
I don’t eat anything but meat!
But my heart beats!
But my heart beats!
Beneath my leathery chest:
Beneath my leathery breasts:
My heart beats!
So we’ve come to the final show.
Here we go, two mothers in a mess.
Though I stress I could eat you.
Yes, but test audiences decided I should live.
Screw the storyline.
We’ve come to terms.
We’ll gab like girls and go get perms!
And conveniently, you’re a lonely female drowning in a world of men!
I’ve lost my waist!
I weigh a ton!
I’ve become chaste!
I mate with my own young!
I barely eat!
I don’t do anything but eat!
But my heart beats!
But my heart beats!
I’ll let my feet get wet!
I’ll cease to be a threat!
I’ll climb back o’er that hill!
I’ll curb the urge to kill!
For I’m a woman who has swum into becoming complete!
RONALD, I AM READY TO BELIEVE! (From SHE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY)
My Papa brought me here so I could see
Those golden arches beaming down on me.
Now I’m every father’s fantasy.
But I’m thirty-three with a kid and no babydaddy.
And though I’m hot, I’m sure that you’ll agree
It’s way too late to get my GED.
So I’m just looking for a guarantee
That I’m finally free of a life on my knees!
Ronald, I am ready to believe!
I’ll touch the sky and fry those fries!
Relieved I’ve got the power to achieve
A bright new day through fish filets
And no matter what it takes, I’ll serve those shakes!
Hey, I’ve sold myself
For going on nearly a decade now.
So I can’t see why it would be hard to sell lard.
Meat’s the same whether girl or cow!
Ronald, I am ready to receive
A firm belief in Grade D beef!
Naïve’s what they might call me, but believe
My moves are like an acrobat’s
But I’m through with life that’s tit for tat
So douse this shell in greasy fat,
And process that into a brand-new me!
THE AGENDA
Lately, there’ve been lots of questions circling ‘round the bold suggestion
That we fruits might, up our sleeves, possess some cold, undying need
To claw our way into the fabric of the nuclear family
And shake the homos out of every tree.
Now, I don’t wish to be the bearer of this news of sexual terror,
But since I’m an expert on this threat you seem to dwell upon,
I’ll open up and speak it plain; in fact, I’ll sing it merrily,
And offer up our hateful guarantee:
We’re gonna come into all your homes,
And we’re gonna turn your children gay.
We heathens have finally overthrown
The values of the good old U.S.A.
Freak out if you’re still devout
For your child’s about to show signs of doubt
Hey, all you hetero squares, prepare for Judgment Day.
We’re gonna come ruin all your lives,
And we’re gonna turn your kiddies queer.
Hold tight to your husbands and your wives,
You’re all about to face your biggest fear.
Your God’s an unholy fraud
And who cares a wad about your cheap façade?
So don’t look now, or shield your eyes somehow,
For the Apocalypse is here.
Our days spent recalcitrant
Have always meant that we resent how you’ve
Presented us, tormented us, cemented us as
Animals with moral values minimal.
We represent such a small percent
Of whom this country pays attention to.
It’s time to start lamenting all the men we intend to accrue.
We’re gonna come banging down your door
And we’re gonna turn your kings to queens.
They might have been royalty before,
But now they’ll be nothing but obscene.
It’s great; come on, celebrate!
It’s been quite a wait to overturn the straight.
Pretty décor!
And orgies galore!
And showtunes and more!
Your collapse is the theme of this brand new regime!
The American dream taken to the extreme!
See, I told you our team’s more like you than we seem.
THE PERFECT POP SONG
So you say that my songs
Get the market all wrong,
That they go on way too long
And aren’t strong
Enough to have mass appeal
Or make some teenager squeal.
Well, I’m so glad that you’ve revealed
The way that you feel (Clap, clap)
And I have to confess
I’m not trying to impress
Some eighth grader down in Fresno,
No, more or less,
All the music in me
Isn’t striving to be
In rotation on Z100,
But we
Can come to a compromise.
I’m perfectly willing to play along.
I’ll look at it through your eyes
And write you the perfect pop song.
La la la la laughing like children
Ha ha ha ha ha hope you don’t mind
Goo goo goo goo goodbye Norma Jean
Ba ba da da da ba da da da da
Don’t go breakin’ my heart
Now we’re on to verse two,
So it’s time to review
That same melody that you
Heard seconds ago.
And I’ll sing it again
While I try to pretend
I’ve no interest in transcending
Popular trends (Clap clap)
Cuz I’m starting to see
If I conveniently
Just abandon any
Creativity,
And I keep it four/four
And I try to ignore
That’s each line is just as boring
Just to be sure
I’ll now sing the bridge once more,
Inviting the listeners to sing along,
And go to their local store
To purchase my perfect pop song!
La la la la laughing like children
Ha ha ha ha ha hope you don’t mind
Goo goo goo goo goodbye Norma Jean
Ba ba da da da ba da da da da
Don’t go breakin’ my heart
Ahhhhh…
It’s perfect for radio.
Guess I should have known that all along.
But it’s nearing four minutes, so
I’m ending this perfect pop song!
La la la la laughing like children
Ha ha ha ha ha hope you don’t mind
Goo goo goo goo goodbye Norma Jean
Ba ba da da da ba da da da da
Don’t go breakin’ my heart…
